I find and see hearts 💕🥰everywhere. Sometimes at my lowest point. I realized that many of the trees and plants I love have heart shaped leaves. Flowers have heart shaped petals. Many rocks and shells end up on the shoreline shaped like hearts; waiting for a heart seeking soul like mine to see each one I find as a special gift. Hearts give me hope. They lift my spirits. There are heart shaped clouds every single day. God must love hearts as much as I do. He created mine. A heart that has been broken so many times; and shattered this past year. I have found hearts with holes in them; yet they remain whole. It seems at my lowest points, U am reminded that my heart is good and I need to care for it, guard it and love it….like the flowers I care for. Love does conquer the greatest disappointments. Self love and the love we give away is never wasted. These are gifts. I refuse to become hateful or bitter. I wasn’t created to be evil. I am protecting my heart from the evil selfish acts of my daughter’s father and his wife. They almost succeeded in breaking my heart beyond repair when they intentionally alienated and blocked my daughters from my life. They are both attorneys. She specializes in step-parent adoption. Her law firm represented him and I have a book I will write. Meanwhile, they blocked me from talking about it on Facebook, Instagram or to my daughters. This morning I sent an “I Love You” message to my twins. One of them has blocked me again. I began to cry and then found the most perfect, smallest heart I have ever seen. My faith has kept me seeking a purpose, having hope and I know in my heart that God’s angels are bigger that the evil of greed and abuse.
Rae of Sunshine
This is my avenue of expressing things I think matter in life, make a difference, or touch me or someone I care about in a personal way. Happiness is a choice; but to me; it has always been a destination. I look for the sunshine in every situation and when it hides itself; I write while I desperately await its return. Love, loss, divorce, death, suicide, my children, the children I've taught have all have claimed pieces of me; and. have created the whole of me.
Tuesday, June 21, 2022
Friday, October 1, 2021
My Heart Lies Bleeding
My heart lies bleeding on the floor of a cave of secrets...
Pictures not depicting, the ugliness of the hell that scorches, burns and mutilates the communion of soul and spirit we share....
Words meant to maim and forever silence a voice,
Hope is etched slowly away and given back
Promises of love that run deeper than the ocean tide of rage that sweeps in and tears away all hope,
Sweeping out to sea,
So far away...
My soul searches in despair, for a life raft of your undying love,
To lift me once again,out of the angry rage that beats down my hope and breaks my spirit.
My voice screams in desperation, fearful of succumbing in silence.
My love for you flattened upon the sands of despair, blown viciously, recklessly scattered afar.
Never again to return to the hope and faith I had in you.
Jan. 22, 2019
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Sunshine in Broken Places
I rushed out in the still morning still covered in darkness, to hush him and bring him in; when I saw a small child who lived down the road, wearing only a flannel shirt, jeans and tennis shoes in the thirty something degrees frost bitten morning air. I went to him and asked him why he was at our home so early. He quietly told me that he had been sent to my home 4o minutes before the bus arrived as a punishment for forgetting his boots. He had no coat.
This was day number two that he had arrived at our house to stand in the cold alone in the pre-dawn darkness but this morning it was much earlier than the day yesterday...
I gave him a tight hug and made him a very warm bed of blankets against my garage door and put a pillow under his little head. He smiled and said thank you and then asked if he could have something to eat and requested the same cheese nips as yesterday. Cold and hunger are two things that bother me most when it comes to children. Pain and fear are more than my heart can bear.
I got them and went inside to my daughters and asked them to please not talk about this child's life with anyone. The lessons they learned the past two mornings are lessons that only the broken places of life are able to teach. They took care of him instinctively and threw the blankets in the garage quickly when they heard the bus approach. I saw he left behind the shirt I had given him to wear. We kept the blankets and shirt ready again.
Today is the anniversary of our youngest brother Shannon's death. He died unexpectedly and tragically in a car accident at the age of 22. I had planned on writing a blog in his memory and I may still do so but...
instead I found sunshine in the most broken place as I realized that God sent this small child to my home because he knew I would care for, and love him as much as I am able to do. In what could have been a very dark and scary moment of his young life; I was able to place some warmth, kindness and sunshine in his life. I was able to build some trust.
I have learned that sometimes I can not change a person's life; but I can certainly do whatever I am able to do to add any amount of sunshine to their lives and hopefully make their path a little easier.
In caring for this child; I was touched personally. These are the moments that have shaped me and are shaping my children. The sunshine for me today was in providing warmth and food and kindness for the broken child that found his way to my doorstep.
I can not change the past or erase any pain I have known; but I can make a difference in each day and look around me with eyes that wish to see; and hands that desire to help.
It is in helping others that I am giving the greatest gift to myself and my daughters.
Sometimes I wonder if my desire to reach out is more than a reaction. Am I simply paying forward the many acts of love and rescue and care that were extended to me as a small child? I have little recollection but I know there were many angels. There have always been angels.
I embrace these moments when unexpectedly I am honored with the gift of being a guardian angel to someone else. That is my hearts greatest wish; and my souls brightest sunshine.
daisy girl 77 rzm
Monday, March 29, 2021
A Tribute to my brother Shannon Michael Atwood 3/23/2013
Today is has been 22 years Shannon Michael has been gone. However, today I have decided to share something Shannon wrote....It was a blessing to find and read again and allowed me to see and hear and feel our brother once again, if only for a moment....I hope this is his gift to you today as well. That is what he would have wanted....The following story was handwritten by Shannon Michael Atwood... (Part 1)
11:00 Monday 4/16/88
The OLd Olklohomon
The fact that what I am going to write about, a man that has changed my life so much
I know this story can only do a mynut (minute) credit to what he has done to the lives he came in contact with.
I met Fred Vinyard in the Fall of 75 it was Halloween and I was all dressed up as a cowboy I believe it was Clint Eastwood; High planes drifter outfit. and I had prepped myself all day learning how to walk like him sqwint and learn basically the general nature of the Old West. Myself and my mother had been making our rounds threw the subburbun towns where I knew I could make a killing on tricker treat candy, but it was getting late and I wanted to do one last stop, and that was to see my busdriver so he could take a look at my costume. and to sorta mad peace with him becaus I had got in a fight on his bus and I don't think he was to happy with my tactics of fightin because I had hit my Foe in the Head with my speed Buggy Lunch Box about 12 times. So we were Heading in that direction when my mother said I want to stop and see if old Fred is home, Old Fred I thought, pee on old Fred I want to go to my Bus Drivers because I knew I would get a truck load of candy. I Hollerd and threw a fit when she turned down 40th Street because she wasn't going in tthe desired direction I had conceved in my head. So I hushed for a littel wile. until we came to the driveway and and she said he is such a nice old man , I said, who is a nice old man and she said this old guy I get my tomatos from. So I thought a minute. I was not fermilyer with the old guy but I was his tomatos. They were huge and I might add deliecious, so I was coherent with the fact he did grow good vegetabels because when your 6 years old the only thing a tomato is for is nothing untill it gets Rotten, then it is a prized possession amung the littel. It's main purpose is to be flung threw the air at great volocity at certin inhabitants of our race, known as females, most likely my sisters. But here we were pulling up the drive in our old 73 Impala, My mother knew I was frustrated, and she said to be patient.
I seen this screen door open and this figure come waltzing out across the dirt driveway and I wasent really paying that much attention, so he came over to my ma's side of the car and said Hellooow, it was a different kind of Hellow I picked that right up, it sort of lingered out into the air and made you feel welcome. They walked around he was showing her his garden and pointing this way and that probbibly showing her what was gonna go where. So she got back in the car they said good bye but as we were backing out of the driveway my ma got stuck. So now I would never get where we were suposed to be headed. He hooked up a chain and pulled us out but just as we were about to leave he said wooow one second. He ran into the house as spry as a 20 year old and came over to the window where I was and said Here boy and handed me an apple. I said Thankx mister. He said your very welcome, so we were headin home and I said he is a nice guy and she said very nice he has a kind old heart. It wasn't much, an apple but he was nice enough to give it to me. So he was ok in my book.
(I wrote all of this as parts of this story made me see, breathe, and feel Shannon once again... We miss you brother...we always will.)
Love Is….
Love is that deep seated desire to heal the person you are with. Love takes maturity and sacrifice and compassion. Love is when you become the strength, the shoulder, the back rub, whatever your partner needs to feel well. Love provides the gear you need to climb mountains, overcome fears and be your best strongest self. Love is like the ocean waves...what leaves the shore comes back with even more. I am truly thankful that I love and I am loved. It is not a process but more like breathing. The inhale and exhale are partners, and fail alone .....
and the greatest of these gifts is love. ❤